My Blog

Booooooo!

So here I am, Are you happy now?

Gone, astray, can you tell me how?

The promises you made,

To accepting what’s fate,

I am what I am, I’m not so delicate,

The days seem sorrowed now,

The window’s blackened out,

The keys don’t match I’m still locked out,

When will you understand? Just when is comprehend?

I’m empty somehow.

You recoloured me, the black and white, faded me,

You remembered me for how I was supposed to be, Me,

You leave. Truth just never remains. The purpose and what I can achieve,

I hold my head up high. But now i realise, its harder now, to swallow what it is that I feel inside.

Left hanging alone, the only painting on the wall, an empty house and a fireplace where you and I embraced.

Cause I’m faded, left unshaded, my lines are darkened through my heart, but now I’m dirt.

So say you won’t turn back, say you’ll love me back,

Saw an angel turn to black, please help me undo these cracks… I’m overflowed.

Death is Deaf that’s whyy there’s no use screaming,

Which is why he never answers everytime you try and plead to him,

You’re standing and cheering, mortality by your side,

The sickness not subsiding eventhough it is your only right,

Waiting for the day, my doubts just keep recurring,

Avoiding every thought of how 3 words can bring about this tearing,

She died today, which is why i’m lost and broken,

The light from my candle blew out my life is darkened,

I’m helpless now with these chains I’m bounded deep,

The blood from these wrists don’t flow like how i weep,

I love you girl, more than the essence of my life,

My lonely heart hurts more than the edge of this unsharpened knife,

I miss you baby, is this point really the end?

Is this it? Am I really driving off this winding lane?

I guess it doesn’t matter now, i can feel you hold me tight,

I might as well just reach in and walk into this holy light. 

In loving memory of my youngest aunt, may she rest in peace.

I wish I could see her again just one last time.

A.E.I.O.U. I’m coming through,

It’s the V.H.I.C 6 spreading the truth,

From Ireland, Land so wet i keep you hollering,

Mood swings, flings, bitch, i’m rulin’ all of em,

I’ve got shit in my mind i’m spitting everything,

Through a tip, blue, a pen the words are flowering,

Pondering, on the days that’s gonna follow,

Will rhyme be dead? Or am i just gonna grow?,

Come with me, through the land of the lost,

I’ve got flows like frost, chillin thoughts without a cost,

The final warrior, got stabbed beyond fear,

The words so swift leaving men hiding behind tears,

Vision clear, I’m living under the surface,

My mind’s a space, a space beyond space,

Tracing back on my dreams that’s true grace,

Faced the rough, I’m gliding from high above,

An alcoholic, staying high is how i surf,

Thinking faith is love, Innocence is a dove,

My trusts gone dry, trinity’s spreading the lie,

Telling the words universal by the word is how i’ll die,

Dessert’s gone sour, put the sweet back in the pie,

Like a knife through butter, I’m slicker than you be sly,

A baker, I mould every thought to my distorts,

Alternative to the way I built this broken fort.

Oh my God!!! I don’t believe i actually wrote that yesterday. yes yes it’s true.. i’m a little sick in the head and the number of msgs i got after posting that… chill la… i’m ok. thanks guys… appreciate the feedback. Currently working on expressive writing.. you express what you feel and you write down what you express. doubt i’ll be in a bad mood again in quite some time after this. eventhough today i had to get up at fucking 8 in the morning just to go for a 9 o clock class which was eventually cancelled at 8.55 as the lecturer was ‘not feeling well’. guess what?? i’m sick too and it makes me feel extremely stoopid for actually coming. I miss everyone… esecially whomever is reading this as you’re kind enough to actually spend your time reading this senseless blog. The constant screaming in my ear has finally gone away…. wonder who was that girl. well, whoever it was i’d be extremely thankful right about now… she just inspired me to continue writing. and the mental block is overcomed. if only i could go back to the days we used to drop lines and punches.

Friendship and loyalty and lots of love to all my klang boys. you’re all definitely the closest people to family i have now. i really hope that i’d be able to find such support and friendship here in ireland too. i mean besides jee ooi la. its only been barely 2 months though. it’s way to early to tell. serious when it’s personal, crazy when it’s everything else. eventhough i sound very sad and insecure, everything is totally the opposite. i’m having so much fun here talking cock and trashing all day. the malaysians are lovely. the irish are in majority drunk. and i’m just as fucked up as ever.

*somewhere around this point i soon realised that i wasn’t making any sense and decided to stop*

p.s.: to anyone who’s reading this, if you miss me, drop me a comment/msg. you can also do the same if you wanna go tani(drinking) or just meet up. (no reason required)

I’m angry…. I’ve been listening t KoRn for the past 3 hours and in my current state of health… it just isn’t turning out very well. since i cannot kill anyone eventhough i feel that everyone should just fucking die and burn in hell together with every other tormented shit for a being on earth, i shall write a song to vent out my anger. this is totally spontaneous and i shall like to apologize for any inconvenience it may cause not now but later.

Chorus:

(Screaming) I can feel the hate in me!!

(Singing) I can feel you holding me

(Screaming) I can feel the hate in me!! (What!)

(Singing) I can feel you holding me

Hate! the only thing on Earth that’s fate!

Leaving bodies everywhere with a knife on a stake

Got a new toy billy, gonna fuck your brains out with it

Take a bitch and shove your kids in the ground 6 feet deep

I love the way you throttle through your pains in the silence,

Leave the world so sound, so cute in your fucking penance,

Fuck your horizons and your fucking ideals

All i have in mind is a slash that can never heal

So why do i even care if you’ve got the need to feel?

Just give me a knife and i’ll gladly make you a deal

You open your mouth again i swear i’m gonna break it

So shut up or i’ll stitch your lips up with plastic

My feelings are gone I’m breaking all alone

Having you scream through your throat I’m breaking alone

All this shit i seem to take, All the glass i seem to break

All the hits it seems to late, All my pain i leave to fate,

So Fuck U!

Hear me come, hear me come, hear me pull your eyeballs out

Hear me come, hear me come, hear me pull your eyeballs out

Hear me come, hear me come, hear me pull your eyeballs out

Hear me come, hear me come, hear me pull your eyeballs out!!!!

And at this point the main singer proceeds to take a pen knife and slit his fucking throat off spilling his blood on everyone on stage. are you happy with that?! On this grand deepavali day, the world shall light up in flames and in anger.

this is my first ever blog in ireland. yes..yes… since my last blog.. which said i was supposed to go to king’s somethings went wrong with my sponsors and somehow i ended up here in Cork!!!!!!!! haha.. that’s still such a funny name… though the name is weird but the place is ever so beautiful.. now that i think of it. maybe this would be a better alternative for me. never was a city person.. good place to have fun but definitely not to stay. we’ve a city which is the second largest in ireland and like 20 minutes away by foot is my apartment. i’d like to take this oppurtunity to invite everyone whose interested to come join me in this place. if you drink, it’s heaven. i thought i had a drinking problem at home but when you’re in ireland, you find out you ain’t even close! haha. dublin is fun but cork is romantic. spent last weekend with someone i felt i had a sense of closeness with in dublin. drank my ass off again. though time felt like it just flew by really fast and before i knew it i was already on the bus back to Cork. really wanted to stay longer but just couldn’t… the sadness reaks.

well classes wise.. everythings going fine. dissection is so much fun. and somehow i just find myself in medicine. becoming a sports person soon cause thats like the only thing i can do besides drink and cook and study and sleep. definitely no tv. think there’s too much violence and false moral values in em. met many great friends here too. i feel bonds building between us. haven’t really thought if i would be able to find love in one of em yet. should start thinking soon.. haha.

Blogging again….. Just when i thought i wouldn’t be doing it. I did. Results are finally out. I got 2 As and 2 Bs. Not my best. Wanted to do better but just didn’t have the drive to do it. Well, at least I satisfied my King’s requirement. You’d stop to wonder why a university like that would have a requirement so low? Wait till you attend the interviews. It gives tough a whole new meaning. Was really lucky to have been able to get through.

I still think if people actually read these blogs. And who am I actually writing it to. I’d still like to think however that nobody reads these things and I’m actually talking to myself. A chat with myself…. Yes… Weird it is not, special I am.

I sometimes wonder at night, how’d my life been like. A straight A’s student in school, a JPA scholar, a rapper on radio and TV, a smoker, and a medical student. How fucked up can that be? Never a straight line. Always crooked. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I could never find anyone who’d walk beside me. I mean look at me. I’m messed up. Who’d want to date a messed up guy? People always say that success is a good thing. But in my case success only leads to loneliness and exile. Well, yes, I do fail at things too. Love being a good example.

I’m 20 this year. Maturity is only a footstep away. Pressures of finance and resonsibility over others is beginning to sink in. I’ve started caring more about the people around me. Thinking of ways i can help keep them safe from danger even if i have to end up hurting myself. Thinking about future plans and how I’m gonna make it big in the world. Medicine? Politics? Business?

Well, at least i know that the next 5 years won’t be that bad. Gonna be living close to a friend. So…. i guess i won’t be so lonely once i have someone i can talk to besides myself (at the moment). The thing is however, she’s even more confused than i am. This is going to be fun. Now, if only i can stop worrying about the Earth running out of oxygen due to the haze.

Well, today’s a Friday. Can’t quite remember the last time i blogged. The only thing which i’m excited the most now is the fact that i’m done bringing my dad over to the hospital. Wee!! 25 times out of 25 times. Perfect score. Now, i can start living nights again. Hehe. Oh, and for those who are wondering wtf is wrong with my dad. He’s well suffering from lung cancer. A tumour growth in his left bronchus has blocked off most of the air entering the lungs causing the upper lobe to collapse. You medics and science students SHOULD understand this cause if you don’t, you’re fucked.

Yesterday was Hunny’s party. Eventhough i did not know most of the ppl there but at least i had fun. Did a little shmokie shmoke and was gone for most of the night. Met many friends… friends whom i’ve never had a chance to meet in a very long time. Almost a month. Well, to me it felt long. Kinda sad she’s gonna be flying off soon. Gonna miss her lots. A great woman with a great heart that one. Gonna be meeting her again tomorrow probably for the last time at the rexona no sweat dance competition. I gotta make sure i send her off man. Tuesday at 7 in the morning. Gonna take a lot of effort though.

Well, enough about yesterday, today in itself was nice. Yes! I did play DOTA again. And won. But somehow, i just got bored earlier this time. Didn’t feel like playing like after 3 rounds. Weird. Im pretty sure one day, I’m gonna be sitting at a cyber cafe with my chinese tea challenging my grand children. Then, I’d be like the grandfather of DOTA. Literally.

My dad’s been acting up again. I think at his old age, he tends to be a little erm…. what’s the word? Manja. Facing financial crisis in trying to carry on with his treatment too. Being the only child, reality is just catching up with me too fast. Even my step brother and sister who are earning at least 6 times more than my working mom now is asking us to come out with an equal share. I mean, dude! He’s your dad.

I know I know. He’s mine too. But there’s no way i can chalk up as much cash as them. Currently, I’m doing all the physical and mental work. Now you want ALL my money too? Oh well, guess i just gotta stay strong through this. To live life free is to accept everything it throws at you. I’m just terrible at expressing my emotions so, don’t think i can explain about it much more. Eventhough what i feel now is definitely much worse than what you actually think. Hmmmm….. Looks like another ciggarette for me.

Oh yeah! And i free styled for the first time ever yesterday too! Just so proud of myself. Haha. Though i personally think it was a little bit crappy but I still did it! ;P

Its been 3 days since i last wrote in. And this time, i made sure i had a cigarrette first. Mega Sales is on! and i dun frigging care. The only thing it’s ever brought me is traffic and a couple of sore legs. I’m still taking my sick dad to KL every morning at 9. Heard he’s getting better. It’s like the 22nd time today and i only have 3 more times to bring him over to the hospital. If anyone’s interested in meeting me, you’re invited. 2 hours of driving and 5 minutes of treatment. Talk about the justice.

My uncle came down from Singapore during the weekend. So you could figure I’ve been kinda busy. Throughout the entire 2 days, i’ve had the best assortment of Malaysian food ever. I stay in this country and the only time i get to eat good local food is when someone from another country comes. Still can’t get it through my little head. For your information, we ate at assam&garam in One Bangsar. And NO! it’s not a shopping centre in case anyone wondered. >.<

DOTA has been good to me lately. I still do lose but when a win comes around, well let’s say it’s good to be OWNING!!! and BEYOND GODLIKE!!!.

My love life is as stagnant as ever. Well maybe there’s this one girl, but not sure if it’s gonna work or jerk though. The roads are clear with no clear signs to lead the way. Besides the point, I am still a man and i admit to the fact that i DO look at women. And Klang girls are really working it. Kudos on being so beautiful(Not referring to the women who work in Modern). If only courage could teach me to walk over and say hi. Probably gonna end up bribing a couple of cupids along the way though. Nah, don’t think it’s gonna work.

At this point in life, I’ve come to accept the fact that living life alone just isn’t enough anymore. Hmmmm…. I’m just never satisfied with anything am I? Oh well, just like how i’ll never understand myself, love will never understand convenience either, would it? Or maybe i should just stick to DOTA. I think i need a fag.